Mother’s Day

Losing your child, especially your only child, can make you feel misplaced.

You feel like a mother. You certainly love like one! Yet, your arms are empty. How do you reconcile feeling like a mother to not actually getting the chance to live that out? It is DIFFICULT! You find yourself telling others that you have a child simply because you want the world to know about the baby you love so much. Then with the same love you have for your baby, you somehow let the words slip past your lips that you don’t have kids yet. Sometimes it’s easier to just avoid the conversation…

I find myself often asking myself if so many different things make me a bad mother. I have never been a mom before, let alone a mom to a baby who died. I don’t know what I’m doing on most days if I am honest!

There was never any form of preparation on how to be the mother I am now.

Being a mom is something I have wanted since I was a little girl. Having a house full of kids was the dream! I was taught how to mother living children. There was never any form of preparation on how to be the mother I am now.

Mother’s Day is a celebration for women who have accepted the beautiful task of raising children. How does this holiday apply to the mommy’s who have buried their children? Will they receive flower’s & handmade cards & praise for the amazing job they have done at mothering their babies? Can they expect phone calls & text messages full of love & adoration for the strong women they were forced to become?

This is my first Mother’s Day EVER & my child is dead. I have an overwhelming amount of joy simply because I have a son. I love him in ways no language can express. In the same way, my sadness runs deep.

I will never receive gifts from my son. No dandelions picked from the yard, no handmade cards, no hugs & kisses. Nothing. I looked forward to the many Mother’s Day celebrations that awaited me in the years to come. Somehow, even in grief, I still want to celebrate! I feel like a mom & I certainly love like one! Kanaan made me just that – a mom!

I don’t really know how to celebrate this day without my son but my goal is to be happy!

Sending so much love to all of the mother’s who find themselves in a similar position. You are so much stronger than you know. You are a phenomenal mother. No one can take that away❤