Six months…

It will be 6 months exactly since Kanaan passed away tomorrow…on Mother’s Day. I should have a happy six month old in my arms to help me celebrate being his mommy! I miss my son so much.

He needed to know my voice.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was a boy right there. I don’t know how but I just knew. We had a connection instantly! If that makes me weird, than I’ll be that haha! Obviously the physical connection but I mean like everything about us, we understood. As we both grew so did my love & connection to him. I talked to Kanaan everyday. He needed to know my voice. I knew that as much as he would probably look like me, he was going to look like a tan clone of his daddy! Their personalities we’re insanely similar.

My mom would tell me stories about how my personality was in the womb & how not much changed at all once I was here. I looked for that while I was pregnant. I learned his personality. I knew I would be arguing with a newborn lol

With Mother’s Day being tomorrow & the six month anniversary of his death, I am not okay. At all. Yet, I am okay. I miss the memories we’ll never get to make. Decades worth of celebrating being his mommy…I’m missing that. At the same time, I am so happy I got to know him without ever holding him in my arms. Without him ever laying his eyes on me, I knew he loved me. I am so blessed to have been picked to be Kanaan’s momma. I will NEVER understand why he could not live but I will always be thankful for the short life he had.

Kanaan Allen, you would be six months tomorrow. My heart is so broken without you here. I can never say that I am proud to be your mother enough. I will carry you with me until my spirit leaves this earth & crosses over into eternity…even then, I will carry you for the first time, in my arms, with your body full of life. I love you forever…& ever & ever.