angelbaby – Kanaan's Promise

the past year & 3 months have been so quiet. Kanaan isn’t here to chase after & Kingston isn’t here to hold.

there really is nothing to prepare you for the loss of a child, let alone multiple children. there is no roadmap on how to stay alive when you are certain that death forgot to take you when it took your babies.

how do parents actually keep going? do you just pretend you’re okay? i mean it’s easier for friends & family to want to be around you that way.

there really is nothing to prepare you for the loss of a child, let alone multiple children.

what happens when your due date arrives & there is no “Congratulations!” or “How are mom & baby doing?” offered?

we were not prepared to be approaching our due date with Kingston & he not be here to see it. your rainbow baby shouldn’t die! this is the promised baby after such a painful loss.

if we have learned anything as parents to two babies in heaven, it is that healing never comes with this grief. you will cry for your babies & long for them, just the same, for as long as you breathe. healing implies that you no longer feel pain from something that once hurt you.

we will always exist in a space filled with pain because both of our sons are dead. that is a burden we are forced to learn how to carry.

we are also learning that we can share that same space with h o p e.

we have found our hope in the One who created the most beautiful boys we have ever seen. now, saying that makes it sound easy. it is not! we struggle daily with God. if you were a fly on the wall during our regular conversations, you’d think we were hypocrites.

no day is the same when it comes to grieving the death of your kids. one day God is so good & His ways are perfect, & the next day we don’t trust Him with anything & He’s just turned His back to us. it’s a process.

all of this to say, we are learning to be okay with not being okay.

we are not okay that both of our boys are no longer alive in this life.

we are not okay that Kanaan’s due date has come & gone & he was no where to be found.

we are not okay that we have celebrated Kanaan’s first birthday & he wasn’t here to celebrate with us.

we are not okay that Kingston’s due date is in 2 days & he in not here to be officially welcomed into this world…though we believe when we found out that he existed & told our families, our reactions were his welcoming…

we did not ask to be parents this way nor do we believe we deserve to be.

yet this is the life we live.

it’s ours.

Kanaan & Kingston are ours & we are so thankful that we get to be their parents. tied to that thankfulness is a sadness deeper than we ever thought possible. who can really stand under the weight of this?

we are crushed but not destroyed.

if we cross your mind, please say a prayer for us. we anticipated the arrival of our second baby boy this week…💔

John & Kayla

grief is weird.

i have found myself feeling grateful for so many things lately. at the same time, i’m filled with so much anger for the simple fact that i would dare feel…something. something other than sadness, fear & hopelessness.

in 17 days, i should be celebrating my baby turning ONE & posting pictures of his growth throughout his first year of life. instead, i will be celebrating his memory & dreaming of all of the progress this past year should have been filled with. how can i feel grateful with that reality?

i deal with a lot of guilt. being pregnant with a boy…again, making it past the point in this pregnancy than i did with Kanaan…being excited for another baby…buying things for a baby shower & maternity pictures…naming another baby…so many things that i shouldn’t feel guilty about but i do. Kanaan should be here sharing in this joy i’m allowing myself to feel but he isn’t. yet, i still find myself feeling so grateful.

in 17 days, my firstborn will be ONE & we don’t get to celebrate together. if you know me, you know how excited party planning makes me! i planned Kanaan’s party themes out for the first 3 years of his life. outside of the parties, i was just excited to live life with him. that excitement was stolen from me so unexpectedly & it’s still hard to wrap my mind around that. but still, i’m so grateful.

…gratitude & grief can coexist.

being pregnant with Kanaan meant so much more to me than i can ever put into words. it was the start of motherhood for me & if you know me, you know that having children has always been important to me. never along this journey did i ever imagine being a long distance mommy to any of my babies but here i am.

being pregnant for a second time & getting pregnant so soon after loss has brought so many challenges. more sleepless nights than i ever imagined. the excitement of a new baby almost feels forced at times. my emotions are at an all time high & my poor husband is just trying to support me in the best way that he can. no one tells you about the nightmares… or the need to hear your baby’s heartbeat randomly throughout each day (thank you home doppler) just to make sure they’re still with you. even with all of that, i am grateful, still. i’ve felt this baby boy move consistently since 16 weeks & felt him for the first time at 14 weeks! the peace that that brings to my heart & mind everyday is unexplainable. the joy i feel when he reacts to the sound of his daddy’s voice instantly brings tears to my eyes. God knew my heart needed this baby as much as He knew i needed Kanaan.

i was given 21 weeks & 2 days with Kanaan. i’ve told myself for almost a year that i never got the chance to meet him alive but that isn’t true. i was the only one who met him alive & for that fact alone, my heart is filled with gratitude.

i have learned many things over the past year & one that i’m choosing to focus on leading up to November 10th is this simple truth: gratitude & grief can coexist.

Tag: angelbaby

Crushed but not Destroyed…

Gratitude & Grief

Kanaan’s 1st Birthday