Tag: father’s day

If I Could Just Touch The Hem…

“While he was saying these things to them, behold, a ruler came in and knelt before him, saying, “My daughter has just died, but come and lay your hand on her, and she will live.” And Jesus rose and followed him, with his disciples. And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭9:18-22‬ ‭

Faith is not something that I ever thought I would struggle with. There was nothing that life could throw my way that would make me doubt that God could do anything for me. That is, until John & I buried 2 babies & never even got to see our 3rd.

Full transparency, I struggle believing that the same God I’ve seen bless others with miracles, could do the same for me. Or would even want to do the same for me. That’s a battle I don’t want because what’s on the other side of that is hopelessness. What do you have if you don’t have hope? I’m just gonna pause here & ask whoever reads this to pray for me because I am not using the word struggle lightly…sometimes it feels like I have no faith at all…

Grief is weird & causes contradictory emotions because what I don’t doubt is what God will do for John.

I am hemorrhaging. My heart at least. The little bit of energy that I can muster up is being directed towards just brushing past the One I’ve heard heals. My cry is not for me but my husband. I’ve been told of so many miracles for other people & see so many dad’s just gushing over their earth side kids. I know that what God has done for other bereaved father’s, he can do for John. He doesn’t love them more than him.

I’m just waiting for that moment that I can cut in while He’s on His way to heal someone else. I know there is healing & blessings all around my family. I. See. All. Of. It. Almost makes me feel like the goodness & mercy that’s followed them is being rubbed in my face. Pause for prayer. I am fighting against bitterness.

I don’t even need to be seen. This healing that I’m crawling in the dirt for is not for me. It’s for the daddy who has had to watch his babies come into this world silent. It’s for the daddy who knows he’s a father but doesn’t understand how he fits in with this holiday. It’s for the daddy who can’t speak his children’s beautiful names because it would break him. It’s for the daddy who holds his breath with each pregnancy his wife endures, just hoping he gets to meet at least one of his children alive. It’s for the daddy who holds his wife together in the middle of the night when the weight of her grief feels like it will crush her. It’s for the daddy who has watched his life flash before his eyes each time one of his children runs ahead of him. It’s for the daddy who carries on because if he stops moving, he isn’t sure he if he will ever move again. It’s for the daddy who would lay down his life for his kids. Over & over & over again but never got the chance to.

If not me, than him.

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“You’re young. Getting pregnant again will happen quickly….

“You’re young. Getting pregnant again will happen quickly. After loss, it usually does!”

I have heard these words or phrases like this so much I hear them in my sleep. I truthfully don’t think the intent was to be hurtful so if you said this to me, this isn’t a jab at you. I feel that people often don’t know what to say & if they say something it’s just wrong. Or maybe I’m really sensitive.

Hours after giving birth to my perfectly formed but silent baby, I had a doctor look me straight in the eyes & say that getting pregnant again will happen fast. He said a lot more but that’s what my obliterated momma heart hung onto. I expected to be pregnant before my due date. I mean the doctor said it would happen fast.

“It will happen when you least expect it. Every time I stop trying to get pregnant, it happens.” This could be good advice but it isn’t.

Getting pregnant with Kanaan was unplanned & happened with no problem. I’m not sure why this time around, no matter how hard I try, conceiving baby #2 just isn’t happening.

“It will happen when you least expect it. Every time I stop trying to get pregnant, it happens.” This could be good advice but it isn’t. (I beg you to never say this to a woman who has expressed her pain over the length of time it is taking to conceive a baby she so deeply desires to mother.) Another baby will not replace my son but it will give me the chance to mother a baby who lives…Lord willing. Every woman has a different story & different things that go on internally. Infertility & pregnancy loss are real & affects more women than you probably realize. I wasn’t really aware until I experienced it myself. Every woman who has stopped trying with the expectation of conceiving easily doesn’t always have the desired outcome.

Trying to conceive after loss has been very hard. I had never used ovulation tests. I truthfully didn’t know much about ovulating except that if you aren’t ovulating, getting pregnant easily is a no go. I am using them now & let me tell you, I know when I’m ovulating every month. Maybe not the exact time but the day. They tell you to track your body temperature, cervical fluid, take vitamins, change your diet, excercise & surely you should get pregnant. Everything you read starts with the assumption that pregnancy will happen quickly. I never had to worry about this with my first pregnancy.

Getting negative pregnancy test results month after month is confusing & heartbreaking. You do everything right just to receive no reward. Watching friends & family announce pregnancy or births is like a slap in the face. Not that you aren’t happy for them but you can’t help but be absolutely shattered at the thought of someone else getting a baby.

When you are told it will come easy & it doesn’t, you can’t help but think that something in you is causing this. Even if you’re told that everything is normal & fine. It’s defeating & you almost want to just throw in the towel. At the same time, you hang on because your heart longs to hold your children while they are living & breathing on their own.

This is grief. Longing for a baby & holding your breath month after month that it’ll happen. Your husband getting his hopes up just for you to let him down again…& again. Your motivation becomes making sure you’re okay enough to conceive again & giving your baby you lost a sibling or siblings.

Being a parent to a baby who isn’t here anymore is hard. Yet, I’m here & learning how to keep going daily. Each day beings new joys & different heartache. No matter how hard this journey gets, I will always be so proud to be Kanaan’s momma.

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