grief is weird.

i have found myself feeling grateful for so many things lately. at the same time, i’m filled with so much anger for the simple fact that i would dare feel…something. something other than sadness, fear & hopelessness.

in 17 days, i should be celebrating my baby turning ONE & posting pictures of his growth throughout his first year of life. instead, i will be celebrating his memory & dreaming of all of the progress this past year should have been filled with. how can i feel grateful with that reality?

i deal with a lot of guilt. being pregnant with a boy…again, making it past the point in this pregnancy than i did with Kanaan…being excited for another baby…buying things for a baby shower & maternity pictures…naming another baby…so many things that i shouldn’t feel guilty about but i do. Kanaan should be here sharing in this joy i’m allowing myself to feel but he isn’t. yet, i still find myself feeling so grateful.

in 17 days, my firstborn will be ONE & we don’t get to celebrate together. if you know me, you know how excited party planning makes me! i planned Kanaan’s party themes out for the first 3 years of his life. outside of the parties, i was just excited to live life with him. that excitement was stolen from me so unexpectedly & it’s still hard to wrap my mind around that. but still, i’m so grateful.

…gratitude & grief can coexist.

being pregnant with Kanaan meant so much more to me than i can ever put into words. it was the start of motherhood for me & if you know me, you know that having children has always been important to me. never along this journey did i ever imagine being a long distance mommy to any of my babies but here i am.

being pregnant for a second time & getting pregnant so soon after loss has brought so many challenges. more sleepless nights than i ever imagined. the excitement of a new baby almost feels forced at times. my emotions are at an all time high & my poor husband is just trying to support me in the best way that he can. no one tells you about the nightmares… or the need to hear your baby’s heartbeat randomly throughout each day (thank you home doppler) just to make sure they’re still with you. even with all of that, i am grateful, still. i’ve felt this baby boy move consistently since 16 weeks & felt him for the first time at 14 weeks! the peace that that brings to my heart & mind everyday is unexplainable. the joy i feel when he reacts to the sound of his daddy’s voice instantly brings tears to my eyes. God knew my heart needed this baby as much as He knew i needed Kanaan.

i was given 21 weeks & 2 days with Kanaan. i’ve told myself for almost a year that i never got the chance to meet him alive but that isn’t true. i was the only one who met him alive & for that fact alone, my heart is filled with gratitude.

i have learned many things over the past year & one that i’m choosing to focus on leading up to November 10th is this simple truth: gratitude & grief can coexist.