“You’re young. Getting pregnant again will happen quickly. After loss, it usually does!”
I have heard these words or phrases like this so much I hear them in my sleep. I truthfully don’t think the intent was to be hurtful so if you said this to me, this isn’t a jab at you. I feel that people often don’t know what to say & if they say something it’s just wrong. Or maybe I’m really sensitive.
Hours after giving birth to my perfectly formed but silent baby, I had a doctor look me straight in the eyes & say that getting pregnant again will happen fast. He said a lot more but that’s what my obliterated momma heart hung onto. I expected to be pregnant before my due date. I mean the doctor said it would happen fast.
“It will happen when you least expect it. Every time I stop trying to get pregnant, it happens.” This could be good advice but it isn’t.
Getting pregnant with Kanaan was unplanned & happened with no problem. I’m not sure why this time around, no matter how hard I try, conceiving baby #2 just isn’t happening.
“It will happen when you least expect it. Every time I stop trying to get pregnant, it happens.” This could be good advice but it isn’t. (I beg you to never say this to a woman who has expressed her pain over the length of time it is taking to conceive a baby she so deeply desires to mother.) Another baby will not replace my son but it will give me the chance to mother a baby who lives…Lord willing. Every woman has a different story & different things that go on internally. Infertility & pregnancy loss are real & affects more women than you probably realize. I wasn’t really aware until I experienced it myself. Every woman who has stopped trying with the expectation of conceiving easily doesn’t always have the desired outcome.
Trying to conceive after loss has been very hard. I had never used ovulation tests. I truthfully didn’t know much about ovulating except that if you aren’t ovulating, getting pregnant easily is a no go. I am using them now & let me tell you, I know when I’m ovulating every month. Maybe not the exact time but the day. They tell you to track your body temperature, cervical fluid, take vitamins, change your diet, excercise & surely you should get pregnant. Everything you read starts with the assumption that pregnancy will happen quickly. I never had to worry about this with my first pregnancy.
Getting negative pregnancy test results month after month is confusing & heartbreaking. You do everything right just to receive no reward. Watching friends & family announce pregnancy or births is like a slap in the face. Not that you aren’t happy for them but you can’t help but be absolutely shattered at the thought of someone else getting a baby.
When you are told it will come easy & it doesn’t, you can’t help but think that something in you is causing this. Even if you’re told that everything is normal & fine. It’s defeating & you almost want to just throw in the towel. At the same time, you hang on because your heart longs to hold your children while they are living & breathing on their own.
This is grief. Longing for a baby & holding your breath month after month that it’ll happen. Your husband getting his hopes up just for you to let him down again…& again. Your motivation becomes making sure you’re okay enough to conceive again & giving your baby you lost a sibling or siblings.
Being a parent to a baby who isn’t here anymore is hard. Yet, I’m here & learning how to keep going daily. Each day beings new joys & different heartache. No matter how hard this journey gets, I will always be so proud to be Kanaan’s momma.
Kanaan's Promise 