Tag: pregnancy loss

If I Could Just Touch The Hem…

“While he was saying these things to them, behold, a ruler came in and knelt before him, saying, “My daughter has just died, but come and lay your hand on her, and she will live.” And Jesus rose and followed him, with his disciples. And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭9:18-22‬ ‭

Faith is not something that I ever thought I would struggle with. There was nothing that life could throw my way that would make me doubt that God could do anything for me. That is, until John & I buried 2 babies & never even got to see our 3rd.

Full transparency, I struggle believing that the same God I’ve seen bless others with miracles, could do the same for me. Or would even want to do the same for me. That’s a battle I don’t want because what’s on the other side of that is hopelessness. What do you have if you don’t have hope? I’m just gonna pause here & ask whoever reads this to pray for me because I am not using the word struggle lightly…sometimes it feels like I have no faith at all…

Grief is weird & causes contradictory emotions because what I don’t doubt is what God will do for John.

I am hemorrhaging. My heart at least. The little bit of energy that I can muster up is being directed towards just brushing past the One I’ve heard heals. My cry is not for me but my husband. I’ve been told of so many miracles for other people & see so many dad’s just gushing over their earth side kids. I know that what God has done for other bereaved father’s, he can do for John. He doesn’t love them more than him.

I’m just waiting for that moment that I can cut in while He’s on His way to heal someone else. I know there is healing & blessings all around my family. I. See. All. Of. It. Almost makes me feel like the goodness & mercy that’s followed them is being rubbed in my face. Pause for prayer. I am fighting against bitterness.

I don’t even need to be seen. This healing that I’m crawling in the dirt for is not for me. It’s for the daddy who has had to watch his babies come into this world silent. It’s for the daddy who knows he’s a father but doesn’t understand how he fits in with this holiday. It’s for the daddy who can’t speak his children’s beautiful names because it would break him. It’s for the daddy who holds his breath with each pregnancy his wife endures, just hoping he gets to meet at least one of his children alive. It’s for the daddy who holds his wife together in the middle of the night when the weight of her grief feels like it will crush her. It’s for the daddy who has watched his life flash before his eyes each time one of his children runs ahead of him. It’s for the daddy who carries on because if he stops moving, he isn’t sure he if he will ever move again. It’s for the daddy who would lay down his life for his kids. Over & over & over again but never got the chance to.

If not me, than him.

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Crushed but not Destroyed…

the past year & 3 months have been so quiet. Kanaan isn’t here to chase after & Kingston isn’t here to hold.

there really is nothing to prepare you for the loss of a child, let alone multiple children. there is no roadmap on how to stay alive when you are certain that death forgot to take you when it took your babies.

how do parents actually keep going? do you just pretend you’re okay? i mean it’s easier for friends & family to want to be around you that way.

there really is nothing to prepare you for the loss of a child, let alone multiple children.

what happens when your due date arrives & there is no “Congratulations!” or “How are mom & baby doing?” offered?

we were not prepared to be approaching our due date with Kingston & he not be here to see it. your rainbow baby shouldn’t die! this is the promised baby after such a painful loss.

if we have learned anything as parents to two babies in heaven, it is that healing never comes with this grief. you will cry for your babies & long for them, just the same, for as long as you breathe. healing implies that you no longer feel pain from something that once hurt you.

we will always exist in a space filled with pain because both of our sons are dead. that is a burden we are forced to learn how to carry.

we are also learning that we can share that same space with h o p e.

we have found our hope in the One who created the most beautiful boys we have ever seen. now, saying that makes it sound easy. it is not! we struggle daily with God. if you were a fly on the wall during our regular conversations, you’d think we were hypocrites.

no day is the same when it comes to grieving the death of your kids. one day God is so good & His ways are perfect, & the next day we don’t trust Him with anything & He’s just turned His back to us. it’s a process.

all of this to say, we are learning to be okay with not being okay.

we are not okay that both of our boys are no longer alive in this life.

we are not okay that Kanaan’s due date has come & gone & he was no where to be found.

we are not okay that we have celebrated Kanaan’s first birthday & he wasn’t here to celebrate with us.

we are not okay that Kingston’s due date is in 2 days & he in not here to be officially welcomed into this world…though we believe when we found out that he existed & told our families, our reactions were his welcoming…

we did not ask to be parents this way nor do we believe we deserve to be.

yet this is the life we live.

it’s ours.

Kanaan & Kingston are ours & we are so thankful that we get to be their parents. tied to that thankfulness is a sadness deeper than we ever thought possible. who can really stand under the weight of this?

we are crushed but not destroyed.

if we cross your mind, please say a prayer for us. we anticipated the arrival of our second baby boy this week…💔

Kingston Samuel Allen Mahlmeister

John & Kayla

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Gratitude & Grief

grief is weird.

i have found myself feeling grateful for so many things lately. at the same time, i’m filled with so much anger for the simple fact that i would dare feel…something. something other than sadness, fear & hopelessness.

in 17 days, i should be celebrating my baby turning ONE & posting pictures of his growth throughout his first year of life. instead, i will be celebrating his memory & dreaming of all of the progress this past year should have been filled with. how can i feel grateful with that reality?

i deal with a lot of guilt. being pregnant with a boy…again, making it past the point in this pregnancy than i did with Kanaan…being excited for another baby…buying things for a baby shower & maternity pictures…naming another baby…so many things that i shouldn’t feel guilty about but i do. Kanaan should be here sharing in this joy i’m allowing myself to feel but he isn’t. yet, i still find myself feeling so grateful.

in 17 days, my firstborn will be ONE & we don’t get to celebrate together. if you know me, you know how excited party planning makes me! i planned Kanaan’s party themes out for the first 3 years of his life. outside of the parties, i was just excited to live life with him. that excitement was stolen from me so unexpectedly & it’s still hard to wrap my mind around that. but still, i’m so grateful.

…gratitude & grief can coexist.

being pregnant with Kanaan meant so much more to me than i can ever put into words. it was the start of motherhood for me & if you know me, you know that having children has always been important to me. never along this journey did i ever imagine being a long distance mommy to any of my babies but here i am.

being pregnant for a second time & getting pregnant so soon after loss has brought so many challenges. more sleepless nights than i ever imagined. the excitement of a new baby almost feels forced at times. my emotions are at an all time high & my poor husband is just trying to support me in the best way that he can. no one tells you about the nightmares… or the need to hear your baby’s heartbeat randomly throughout each day (thank you home doppler) just to make sure they’re still with you. even with all of that, i am grateful, still. i’ve felt this baby boy move consistently since 16 weeks & felt him for the first time at 14 weeks! the peace that that brings to my heart & mind everyday is unexplainable. the joy i feel when he reacts to the sound of his daddy’s voice instantly brings tears to my eyes. God knew my heart needed this baby as much as He knew i needed Kanaan.

i was given 21 weeks & 2 days with Kanaan. i’ve told myself for almost a year that i never got the chance to meet him alive but that isn’t true. i was the only one who met him alive & for that fact alone, my heart is filled with gratitude.

i have learned many things over the past year & one that i’m choosing to focus on leading up to November 10th is this simple truth: gratitude & grief can coexist.

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“You’re young. Getting pregnant again will happen quickly….

“You’re young. Getting pregnant again will happen quickly. After loss, it usually does!”

I have heard these words or phrases like this so much I hear them in my sleep. I truthfully don’t think the intent was to be hurtful so if you said this to me, this isn’t a jab at you. I feel that people often don’t know what to say & if they say something it’s just wrong. Or maybe I’m really sensitive.

Hours after giving birth to my perfectly formed but silent baby, I had a doctor look me straight in the eyes & say that getting pregnant again will happen fast. He said a lot more but that’s what my obliterated momma heart hung onto. I expected to be pregnant before my due date. I mean the doctor said it would happen fast.

“It will happen when you least expect it. Every time I stop trying to get pregnant, it happens.” This could be good advice but it isn’t.

Getting pregnant with Kanaan was unplanned & happened with no problem. I’m not sure why this time around, no matter how hard I try, conceiving baby #2 just isn’t happening.

“It will happen when you least expect it. Every time I stop trying to get pregnant, it happens.” This could be good advice but it isn’t. (I beg you to never say this to a woman who has expressed her pain over the length of time it is taking to conceive a baby she so deeply desires to mother.) Another baby will not replace my son but it will give me the chance to mother a baby who lives…Lord willing. Every woman has a different story & different things that go on internally. Infertility & pregnancy loss are real & affects more women than you probably realize. I wasn’t really aware until I experienced it myself. Every woman who has stopped trying with the expectation of conceiving easily doesn’t always have the desired outcome.

Trying to conceive after loss has been very hard. I had never used ovulation tests. I truthfully didn’t know much about ovulating except that if you aren’t ovulating, getting pregnant easily is a no go. I am using them now & let me tell you, I know when I’m ovulating every month. Maybe not the exact time but the day. They tell you to track your body temperature, cervical fluid, take vitamins, change your diet, excercise & surely you should get pregnant. Everything you read starts with the assumption that pregnancy will happen quickly. I never had to worry about this with my first pregnancy.

Getting negative pregnancy test results month after month is confusing & heartbreaking. You do everything right just to receive no reward. Watching friends & family announce pregnancy or births is like a slap in the face. Not that you aren’t happy for them but you can’t help but be absolutely shattered at the thought of someone else getting a baby.

When you are told it will come easy & it doesn’t, you can’t help but think that something in you is causing this. Even if you’re told that everything is normal & fine. It’s defeating & you almost want to just throw in the towel. At the same time, you hang on because your heart longs to hold your children while they are living & breathing on their own.

This is grief. Longing for a baby & holding your breath month after month that it’ll happen. Your husband getting his hopes up just for you to let him down again…& again. Your motivation becomes making sure you’re okay enough to conceive again & giving your baby you lost a sibling or siblings.

Being a parent to a baby who isn’t here anymore is hard. Yet, I’m here & learning how to keep going daily. Each day beings new joys & different heartache. No matter how hard this journey gets, I will always be so proud to be Kanaan’s momma.

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grief is just L O V E…

Someone, who understood my pain, shared this with me very soon after losing Kanaan. I was surrounded by what seemed to be complete darkness. I felt empty. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. My baby was gone & I couldn’t save him…

There was so much love inside of me for my son that I felt like was stolen from me. I didn’t really get to love him the way I planned. We were just getting to know each other…

My grief has often felt like a cage. A place that has kept me from holding my child & mothering him the way I so deeply desire to. It’s easy for that feeling to permeate my entire life. That’s how depression sets in…& bitterness…& anger.

…it feels a lot like sadness but it’s rooted in l o v e.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that all of these feelings have their roots in love…in a mother’s love for her one & only son. It helps ease the pain & brings my focus back to my reality. There is so much love in me for not only my son but for his siblings to come. My focus is my growing family because I know it will grow.

I use these words as a reminder often that all of the grief I carry daily is really just love 🖤 it feels a lot like sadness but it’s rooted in l o v e.

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Mother’s Day

Losing your child, especially your only child, can make you feel misplaced.

You feel like a mother. You certainly love like one! Yet, your arms are empty. How do you reconcile feeling like a mother to not actually getting the chance to live that out? It is DIFFICULT! You find yourself telling others that you have a child simply because you want the world to know about the baby you love so much. Then with the same love you have for your baby, you somehow let the words slip past your lips that you don’t have kids yet. Sometimes it’s easier to just avoid the conversation…

I find myself often asking myself if so many different things make me a bad mother. I have never been a mom before, let alone a mom to a baby who died. I don’t know what I’m doing on most days if I am honest!

There was never any form of preparation on how to be the mother I am now.

Being a mom is something I have wanted since I was a little girl. Having a house full of kids was the dream! I was taught how to mother living children. There was never any form of preparation on how to be the mother I am now.

Mother’s Day is a celebration for women who have accepted the beautiful task of raising children. How does this holiday apply to the mommy’s who have buried their children? Will they receive flower’s & handmade cards & praise for the amazing job they have done at mothering their babies? Can they expect phone calls & text messages full of love & adoration for the strong women they were forced to become?

This is my first Mother’s Day EVER & my child is dead. I have an overwhelming amount of joy simply because I have a son. I love him in ways no language can express. In the same way, my sadness runs deep.

I will never receive gifts from my son. No dandelions picked from the yard, no handmade cards, no hugs & kisses. Nothing. I looked forward to the many Mother’s Day celebrations that awaited me in the years to come. Somehow, even in grief, I still want to celebrate! I feel like a mom & I certainly love like one! Kanaan made me just that – a mom!

I don’t really know how to celebrate this day without my son but my goal is to be happy!

Sending so much love to all of the mother’s who find themselves in a similar position. You are so much stronger than you know. You are a phenomenal mother. No one can take that away❤

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