Tag: pregnancyafterloss

If I Could Just Touch The Hem…

“While he was saying these things to them, behold, a ruler came in and knelt before him, saying, “My daughter has just died, but come and lay your hand on her, and she will live.” And Jesus rose and followed him, with his disciples. And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭9:18-22‬ ‭

Faith is not something that I ever thought I would struggle with. There was nothing that life could throw my way that would make me doubt that God could do anything for me. That is, until John & I buried 2 babies & never even got to see our 3rd.

Full transparency, I struggle believing that the same God I’ve seen bless others with miracles, could do the same for me. Or would even want to do the same for me. That’s a battle I don’t want because what’s on the other side of that is hopelessness. What do you have if you don’t have hope? I’m just gonna pause here & ask whoever reads this to pray for me because I am not using the word struggle lightly…sometimes it feels like I have no faith at all…

Grief is weird & causes contradictory emotions because what I don’t doubt is what God will do for John.

I am hemorrhaging. My heart at least. The little bit of energy that I can muster up is being directed towards just brushing past the One I’ve heard heals. My cry is not for me but my husband. I’ve been told of so many miracles for other people & see so many dad’s just gushing over their earth side kids. I know that what God has done for other bereaved father’s, he can do for John. He doesn’t love them more than him.

I’m just waiting for that moment that I can cut in while He’s on His way to heal someone else. I know there is healing & blessings all around my family. I. See. All. Of. It. Almost makes me feel like the goodness & mercy that’s followed them is being rubbed in my face. Pause for prayer. I am fighting against bitterness.

I don’t even need to be seen. This healing that I’m crawling in the dirt for is not for me. It’s for the daddy who has had to watch his babies come into this world silent. It’s for the daddy who knows he’s a father but doesn’t understand how he fits in with this holiday. It’s for the daddy who can’t speak his children’s beautiful names because it would break him. It’s for the daddy who holds his breath with each pregnancy his wife endures, just hoping he gets to meet at least one of his children alive. It’s for the daddy who holds his wife together in the middle of the night when the weight of her grief feels like it will crush her. It’s for the daddy who has watched his life flash before his eyes each time one of his children runs ahead of him. It’s for the daddy who carries on because if he stops moving, he isn’t sure he if he will ever move again. It’s for the daddy who would lay down his life for his kids. Over & over & over again but never got the chance to.

If not me, than him.

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Gratitude & Grief

grief is weird.

i have found myself feeling grateful for so many things lately. at the same time, i’m filled with so much anger for the simple fact that i would dare feel…something. something other than sadness, fear & hopelessness.

in 17 days, i should be celebrating my baby turning ONE & posting pictures of his growth throughout his first year of life. instead, i will be celebrating his memory & dreaming of all of the progress this past year should have been filled with. how can i feel grateful with that reality?

i deal with a lot of guilt. being pregnant with a boy…again, making it past the point in this pregnancy than i did with Kanaan…being excited for another baby…buying things for a baby shower & maternity pictures…naming another baby…so many things that i shouldn’t feel guilty about but i do. Kanaan should be here sharing in this joy i’m allowing myself to feel but he isn’t. yet, i still find myself feeling so grateful.

in 17 days, my firstborn will be ONE & we don’t get to celebrate together. if you know me, you know how excited party planning makes me! i planned Kanaan’s party themes out for the first 3 years of his life. outside of the parties, i was just excited to live life with him. that excitement was stolen from me so unexpectedly & it’s still hard to wrap my mind around that. but still, i’m so grateful.

…gratitude & grief can coexist.

being pregnant with Kanaan meant so much more to me than i can ever put into words. it was the start of motherhood for me & if you know me, you know that having children has always been important to me. never along this journey did i ever imagine being a long distance mommy to any of my babies but here i am.

being pregnant for a second time & getting pregnant so soon after loss has brought so many challenges. more sleepless nights than i ever imagined. the excitement of a new baby almost feels forced at times. my emotions are at an all time high & my poor husband is just trying to support me in the best way that he can. no one tells you about the nightmares… or the need to hear your baby’s heartbeat randomly throughout each day (thank you home doppler) just to make sure they’re still with you. even with all of that, i am grateful, still. i’ve felt this baby boy move consistently since 16 weeks & felt him for the first time at 14 weeks! the peace that that brings to my heart & mind everyday is unexplainable. the joy i feel when he reacts to the sound of his daddy’s voice instantly brings tears to my eyes. God knew my heart needed this baby as much as He knew i needed Kanaan.

i was given 21 weeks & 2 days with Kanaan. i’ve told myself for almost a year that i never got the chance to meet him alive but that isn’t true. i was the only one who met him alive & for that fact alone, my heart is filled with gratitude.

i have learned many things over the past year & one that i’m choosing to focus on leading up to November 10th is this simple truth: gratitude & grief can coexist.

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