Crushed but not Destroyed…

the past year & 3 months have been so quiet. Kanaan isn’t here to chase after & Kingston isn’t here to hold.

there really is nothing to prepare you for the loss of a child, let alone multiple children. there is no roadmap on how to stay alive when you are certain that death forgot to take you when it took your babies.

how do parents actually keep going? do you just pretend you’re okay? i mean it’s easier for friends & family to want to be around you that way.

there really is nothing to prepare you for the loss of a child, let alone multiple children.

what happens when your due date arrives & there is no “Congratulations!” or “How are mom & baby doing?” offered?

we were not prepared to be approaching our due date with Kingston & he not be here to see it. your rainbow baby shouldn’t die! this is the promised baby after such a painful loss.

if we have learned anything as parents to two babies in heaven, it is that healing never comes with this grief. you will cry for your babies & long for them, just the same, for as long as you breathe. healing implies that you no longer feel pain from something that once hurt you.

we will always exist in a space filled with pain because both of our sons are dead. that is a burden we are forced to learn how to carry.

we are also learning that we can share that same space with h o p e.

we have found our hope in the One who created the most beautiful boys we have ever seen. now, saying that makes it sound easy. it is not! we struggle daily with God. if you were a fly on the wall during our regular conversations, you’d think we were hypocrites.

no day is the same when it comes to grieving the death of your kids. one day God is so good & His ways are perfect, & the next day we don’t trust Him with anything & He’s just turned His back to us. it’s a process.

all of this to say, we are learning to be okay with not being okay.

we are not okay that both of our boys are no longer alive in this life.

we are not okay that Kanaan’s due date has come & gone & he was no where to be found.

we are not okay that we have celebrated Kanaan’s first birthday & he wasn’t here to celebrate with us.

we are not okay that Kingston’s due date is in 2 days & he in not here to be officially welcomed into this world…though we believe when we found out that he existed & told our families, our reactions were his welcoming…

we did not ask to be parents this way nor do we believe we deserve to be.

yet this is the life we live.

it’s ours.

Kanaan & Kingston are ours & we are so thankful that we get to be their parents. tied to that thankfulness is a sadness deeper than we ever thought possible. who can really stand under the weight of this?

we are crushed but not destroyed.

if we cross your mind, please say a prayer for us. we anticipated the arrival of our second baby boy this week…💔

John & Kayla